I approached the subject a little bit in my last entry, but I’d actually like to elaborate now - how are parents raising their children in New York and Copenhagen and how can we learn from each other?
It goes without saying (but I’m going to anyway) that I’ll make a lot of rough (and probably quite insulting generalisations, so I’d like to apologize upfront. Also, I’m basing my Danish observations from a time where I didn’t have a child myself, so all in all this should be good. Stick around.
Nevertheless, I do see some clear differences:
1. The baby year - sleep training
2. How to behave in public
3. Patient pedagogy
4. Physical disciplin
5. Ambitions
I guess we just got rid of all readers with zero interest in kids:-)
1. Sleep training
1. Sleep training
The first time I encountered a big difference between the way parents raise their kids in New York and Copenhagen was when Hugo was 4-6 moths old and most definitely not sleeping through the night. When I met with fellow moms in New York and they saw my tired eyes, they would ask me why we didn't sleep train our son. I asked them how they had sleep trained their children and their answers varied a lot. The most extreme version was to close the door to the baby’s room, put in ear plugs ( for the parents’, that is) and let the baby cry themselves to sleep in order for them to “learn how to sleep”. The less extreme version was to go back and forth to the baby’s room and let the little one know (after a couple of minutes of crying) that mom/dad was still here, but that it was time to nightynight. A friend of mine was getting desperate after going back to work and not getting any sleep, so one night she closed the door to the nursery, put in those ear plugs and went to bed. I asked her how her son was feeling the next morning, when she went to get him. She said that he was a little tired….and hoarse. My heart ached.
If you were to tell my online mom’s group in Copenhagen, that this was the way you got your baby to sleep, I’m pretty sure someone would call the authorities and ask them to make sure that you weren’t a complete lunatic. The book “Goodnight and sleep tight” is widely used (and criticized) in Denmark, but most Danish parents use the book’s recommendations for intervals and check on their children during the night to make sure that they’re ok.
No judgement.
When both parents have to return to work after 8-12 weeks, it’s important for them to get some sleep. So that would explain this approach which at worst would be described a child abuse, and at best cynicism, in Denmark. When I meet parents who use this extreme approach, I’m very honest about our sleep difficulties and why I haven’t closed that nursery door. To be honest, I think that this method has some pretty serious side effects that cannot be put into an excel sheet to be analyzed and explained.
On the other hand - Hugo is JUST starting to show signs of being willing to sleep through the night. Maybe the joke’s on me…
2. How to behave in public
Let’s move on to something more positive: The kids in New York are really really good at being
among other people in public! They learn at a very young age, that this city is absolutely packed with people and that they need to be alert, keep their eyes open and be considerate of other people. They zigzag their way through those busy people on Broadway with their legs kept flexible and their bag pack tucked in. If they accidentally bump into someone, they automatically say “´scuse me” and off they go.
Parents in New York bring their children to all sorts of restaurants and cafes (even the posh ones) and they (the kids, that is) sit nicely in their high chairs, eat their food, play with their toys, colour, play with their iPad or talk to their parents - without causing a scene. All kids have bad days and of course I’ve seen kids announcing their independence in very clear terms (sometimes using spaghetti to make an important point), but overall I’d say that kids in New York are a lot better at behaving themselves when they’re out and about in the streets, in restaurants and cafes.
I haven't had this confirmed by any Copenhagen restaurants yet, but I’m pretty sure that a lot of nice places make sure to not have high chairs available, because they’re sick and tired of seeing their dishes dissected on the floor. I absolutely understand this after experiencing a lot of misbehaving Copenhagen children when going out, but I also think that all kids can learn how to go out with their parents and have a great time, if their parents take the time to teach them how to do it and make some preparations.
So, how’s my son doing in this area? He is crazy good at walking on busy side walks, if I do say so myself. He keeps close to me, he makes sure not to get in the way of anyone (and if he gets preoccupied by a bird or you know….life, he promptly lets out an “´scuse me”, when I tell him to watch where he’s going. He’s pretty good in restaurants and cafes, mostly because he figured out that they serve good food and put straws in his milk.
3. Patient pedagogy
I'm not sure pedagogy is a widely used term to describe this, like it is in Denmark. What I mean is the ability to take a deep breath, sit down and make sure your child learns the right lesson from a situation.
I feel like parents in New York need more than 24 hours in a day to have time to breath, and that they experience an inhuman amount of pressure and stress during the day. They know that they live and work in a city filled with people eager to fill their jobs, better and more efficiently. And they’re not afraid to let their elbows do the talking.
New Yorkers are stressed out, no question about it. When mom comes home from the office around 6:30/7pm, after having worked for 10 hours, (during which her boss called her by the wrong name and her assistant leaked confidential information to promote herself), and little Danny wants to tell her all about the helicopter he saw today and not clean up his room before bedtime, but he can’t really find the words, because he’s also tired and he really just wants to say that he’s missed his mommy, then sometimes…things just collapse. I’ve seen it so many times, in the streets, at night in our hallway, in the supermarket etc - parents yelling at their kids, when it’s pretty clear that both parties involved might benefit from a deep breath, a hug and/or some downtime on a carpet, holding a toy car. They’re not bad parents and they’re not bad kids - they’re just so stressed out and I feel so bad for both of them.
Now, I’ve seen my fair share of Danish friends roll their eyes and take shortcuts, when it comes to pedagogy. Absolutely. No one’s Mary freakin’ Poppins after a long day at work, the car blew a flat tire, the office coffee was cold, and your offspring has gone on and on and on about some beetle in the street for 5 minutes. But in general, I think that parents in Copenhagen are pretty good at working less, taking deep breaths, sit their asses down and look their children in the eyes, when the situation call for it.
4. Physical disciplin
This is a tough one. The fact of the matter is that parents in New York are allowed to physically disciplin their children, if they find it necessary to do so. Yes, you’re allowed to spank your child in USA. Now, before you climb your high horse, please remember that Denmark demolished this right in 1997! It became illegal to hit your servant (1921), your employees (1937) and for teachers to hit their students (1967) before it became illegal to hit your children. This means that most of us in our 30’s and 40’s reading this grew up with parents who were entitled to spank us, if they felt like it. Spain made it illegal in 2007 and Ireland in 2015, so just like the restrictions for public smoking, this change of attitude happens really fast. Ask a person in their 40’s in the street in Copenhagen how they feel about spanking a child and watch their eyes pop. I’ve been reading some newspaper articles (remember those?)from 1997 and people were actually quite opposed to having this right taken away from them.
The Danish politician Pia Kjærsgaard opposed to it, because she believed that it was the responsibility of the parents to disciplin their children, not the executive state.
This is state law in USA, and most states have written their own version of the right to disciplin your children. In some states you can hit your child with a closed fist, in other states you’re only allowed to spank them on their hands. The majority of states have the following law: You can spank your child to discipline them, as long as you don’t leave visible marks or in other ways hurt them.
Ok, I’m not going to go into the discussion of whether a child suffers emotional damage, when his parents spank/hit him. Research proves beyond a shadow of doubt that he does. Full stop. But this is a part of a very very strong cultural legacy and a deeply sensitive issue. The fact of the matter is also, that the majority of Americans has no interest in making it illegal to physically disciplin your child. Many young American parents, who were spanked by their parents, will say that they were raised to tell the difference between right and wrong, that they didn't suffer any emotional damage and that their parents were very loving. And that they physically disciplin their own kids as well.
5. Ambitions
I mentioned this briefly in my last blog entry - parents in New York are very aware of their responsibility to raise good people, honor students and succesfull employees. They care deeply about their children's education, starting with day care, and even though you see a lot of children with iPads in the strollers, they’re watching educationl programs such as Sesame Street or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, where they learn about numbers, letters and how to be a good friend. Right now I’m watching a young mom kneel before her son at Gotan, asking him to count the money to pay for their food. The boy is 2-3 years old. I really like that! Kids LOVE to learn, so why not teach them things at a young age?
My husband’s colleague told us about the school interviews he and his wife were attending some months ago. Their son is 2. The children are observed by the school while playing, so they get an idea about their social skills, their vocabulary etc. The parents had a list of the best schools, that they were hoping to get into, based on the school’s academic level and the amount of students going to IVY League universities. This is not pacing, as I see it.They genuinely want to give their son the absolute best opportunities to be able to succeed in life and create a good and safe life in an extremely competitive city in a very large country.
So who’s right - New York or Copenhagen? In terms of “who's winning”, I’d have to say New York. The children in New York are well behaved, well educated and grow up with a suitcase of abilities to get great jobs in what’s perhaps the most competitive city in the world (not counting Tokyo). If you can make it here….and all that jazz.
But if I put on my purple and tolerant glasses, I’d have to say Copenhagen. Kids in Copenhagen grow up as the center of their parents’ attention. They know that their physical as well as emotional needs are met, they can pick and choose their education, based on passion instead of employment rate, and they know that if they can’t find a job as Veterinarian (specializing in polar bears from Greenland), then someone at City Hall or at their parents house will take care of them. Also, they grow up knowing that they live in the happiest country in the world, so let’s get to it! Be happy!
As mentioned before, I honestly think that these two cities can learn a lot from each other. We’d all be a lot better off if some of the Danish curling parents (the equivalent to American Helicopter parents), would teach their children, that the sun doesn't rise when they wake up, that it’s important to know how to behave yourself among all kinds of people and in all sorts of situations, and if you want a great job to be able to give your own kids great opportunities in life, then you have to work hard!
On the other hand, I’d truly truly wish, on behalf of kids in New York, that someone would reevaluate the Parenting School’s curriculum to include lessons in how to be Complete (tm). Kids need for their parents to look them in the eyes, they need to be heard, hugged and to be understodd when they world is moving really fast.
But the spanking needs to stop immediately.
A lot of day cares, kindergartens and schools in New York share the Danish philosophy about how to raise children, especially in the wealthy and creative areas of Manhattan. When we were trying to find the right day care center for our son, I asked his current center if they were physically discipline children. They looked absolutely horrified and told me that if I was looking for that kind of place, I’d better find somewhere else.
This kind of sociological development tends to start in areas where people are well educated and then spread to the rest of the country - like it did in Denmark. I’m hopefull.
So I ought to have the perfect child by now, right? And of course I do….sometimes.
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