There's a reason for my not writing that much on the blog lately. The weirdest thing is happening - my Danish is rubbish but my English is not perfect yet either. So writing anything remotely insightful or funny is all of a sudden a mess of languages and sayings.
Anyway, this is a long time coming post. I'm struggling a bit with how politically correct or direct I should be, so please insert disclaimers wherever you see fit. The subject is actually a question I still get a lot: "So, what do you do all day?"
I'm 41 years old, I had a very nice job in Denmark before we moved and my husband and I were trying to have a baby, but we were living 2 persons in a nice apartment in Copenhagen. We had my family, his family, our friends, his friends, my friends, my colleagues, his colleagues, birthdays, baptisms, easter lunches etc. We had a very comfortable and busy life.
Our values in New York are similar to our values back in Denmark, but pretty much everything else has changed. It's very very hard to explain to someone who hasn't tried to live in another country as a family, what it's like. That's probably why people ask me what I do all day.
I'll give you some examples:
"Why do you keep your son in a day care? All you do is stay home and hang out?" "Ok, so after you do the insurance thing and all the cleaning - then what do you do? That takes like 30 minutes a week?" "What do you do all day, except being a nice wife and mom? The person you were back in Denmark could never do just nothing"
And on a related matter, that I'll get back to: "Why doesn't your son speak Danish? It sounds so weird that he only speaks English. "Aren't you sad that your son doesn't speak any Danish? That would really hurt my feelings if I couldn't speak Danish with my child"
Maybe you're reading this and recognize something you've asked me once and please know that I'm not trying to hang you out to dry. I do realize that you didn't mean to be insensitive or ignorant - maybe you just haven't tried to live the life I live or maybe you don't share my values.
To explain "what I do", I also have to describe what my husband's life looks like. It's very much entwined:
The reality of what my husband does for a living is that he gets up at 5am every morning to go to work at 6 or 7am in the morning, squeezing in some exercise or a phone call with someone across the globe, before he hits the subway. If he gets home early, he's home around 7.15/7:30pm at night, just in time to tuck in our son. About 2 nights every week he has late nights with clients or his network. That's how you work in New York. He travels every 2-3 weeks, for 1 week when needed, but mostly only 1 trip every month. So, that's Christian.
I actually quite like the English word "homemaker" for what I do "all day":
I make sure that Hugo's morning starts out slowly and nice. We wake up, we talk about how his night was, I help him get dressed, I make our breakfasts and we eat together. Then he plays or watch tv while I take a shower. I answer a couple of messages from people back home in Denmark that have come during the night. I play a bit with Hugo and then we head out for school. I drop him off at 9am, sign me up for a thing at his school and talk to another parent dropping off their child.
Then I walk down to the supermarket (that's a 30 minute walk) with the stroller and on my way home I talk to my dad back home in Denmark. He asks me to send some new photos of Hugo. My former colleague from Copenhagen writes and asks for hotel recommendation in New York for a spring vacation.
When I get home, I unpack, tidy up, vacuum, empty the dishwasher and make myself a cup of tea. I get some things done on the computer (pictures to dad, hotels to colleague).
Then I eat lunch while I order things for the house (here's the thing: you can't buy things in bulk or things that take up a lot of space in Manhattan, because stores don't have enough square feet).
Then I research hotels for our summer vacation/where to sign up Hugo for school for PreK/make doctor's appointments for someone in the family/laundry/send in receipts for our medical insurance/fix whatever's broken on this special day/organize how to get a Danish dyne from Denmark to New York or whatever's on today's schedule.
Then it's time to pick up Hugo. Maybe we meet up with his friend Juliet for a playdate or maybe we go to the playground to get some fresh air. Then it's time to go home, make Hugo dinner and give him a bath. Maybe daddy comes home to tuck him in (which he prefers) or maybe he has to settle with me, which tends to drag out the whole procedure.
Then I make dinner for me and my husband and THEN I get to sit down and relax a bit. This is around 9pm.
So that's what I do all day.
Now.....here's the answer to that next, somewhat piss off'ing question: but how can you like/feel fulfilled/be happy doing "just that"?
I love my life and I love my family. I am immensely proud of the life that I have created for my family. And I've done it without anybody helping me out. We have no family and no old friends in this city - I have found and cultivated the personal relationships that everybody in this family has.
1. I guide and support my husband through the biggest challenges of his career, even though it is all new to me too. That goes on my resume as well. In capital letters.
2. I research and maneuver life for 3 people in a new country.
3. I have been pregnant and delivered a baby in a foreign country without anybody helping me figure that thing out. That's actually one of the things I'm most proud of.
4. I make sure that my son always feels safe, seen, heard and understood when his dad is out there working his butt off supporting us.
5. I find out how the f*** the New York school system works and who I have to give red apples to, to get our son into the best school.
6. I make sure that 3 people can actually hang out and enjoy themselves together during the weekend, without having to spend time cleaning/doing laundry or anything else, besides just recharging and being together.
7. I read a ton of books at night about how to create the best life possible for my son, while we live in New York, but also maintain those Danish values that I cherish so much.
8. This includes the whole language thing, and let me just get this out of the way: we live in an English speaking country, my son's friends speak English, his teachers speak English. OFF COURSE I want him to speak English as his first language! This is such a moo point (as Joey would say). Christian and I only speak Danish to him, he understands Danish, so what's the FREAKING problem?? Sorry, I have some anger issues regarding mom-shaming. I'll work on that...
Any other questions? I'm here all day doing my nails and drinking coffee.(Sarcasm disclaimer)
I never knew that when I was fighting with my mom over something that I wanted to do/say/have/spit on/watch/whatever, and she was being so calm and collected on saying NO!, that she had a very tired voice deep inside telling her "The hell with it - just let her! Man, she can be annoying/loud/persuasive".
2.
When your kid has bad dreams and keeps you up all night, you can get through the day by drinking 5 cups of coffee, a hug from before mentioned kid and by doing something that you have been trying to avoid doing in a really long time. The sheer adoration with yourself will get you through the day.
3.
When your co-parent has to leave town and you don't know how to do it all alone, you pick a show on Netflix or the like that you really want to see, and watch it at night when the kids are asleep. I promise you - it'll get you through those long afternoons to have something to look forward to.
4.
Find another parent that share your take on parenting. It will keep you sane to send texts like “am I a bad parent if I start drinking wine at 10am?” You won’t do it, but it helps to text it.
5.
When you like your child the least, make him laugh. It will reset everything.
6.
Those first months of confusion, exhaustion and desperation will be completely forgotten by the time your child sleeps through the night. I know, because it just happened to me last weekend. For the first time. He's 2.5 years old.
7.
Loosing a beloved day care teacher will feel worse than the heartache you felt when some boy with blonde hair and blue eyes broke your heart, when you were 15 years old.
8.
You finally understand your parents and what they went through
9.
Saying goodbye to one of your child’s friends because she’s moving away will be so hard! Not because your son is particularly sad (he’ll hardly notice she’s gone, because he gets to FaceTime her), but because it’s so bloody hard to find kids that YOU like and that you’ll want as your kid’s friend. Most kids aren’t that special, to be honest. And some kids are really weird.
10.
You will fantasize about arguing (loudly, using really bad words) with the parents of that boy who bit your child, even though you totally get it from a developmentally point of view.
11.
You’ll do things like travel without your kids, check into a hotel for the night or something else that’s a part of you life BK (Before Kids) and it’ll feel really weird. Not bad, just weird - like you left your right foot at home.
12.
You’ll hold on to some baby behavior traits that you’re really supposed to teach your child to quit, just because you’re not ready to let go. I sometimes still take Hugo’s spoon and feed him the last couple of cheerios, helicopter style. It might get awkward when he turns 12, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
13.
On those occasions when someone points out something that you are supposed to know as a parent at that given time, you’ll remember it for life. When Hugo was 6 months old, we went to an outdoor birthday party and my friend’s mom pointed out that Hugo wasn’t wearing enough clothes. “Look at all the other kids - they’re wearing big jackets and he’s in a sweater! He’s just a baby!”. I still cringe.
14.
You WILL let your child watch tv and probably much sooner than you’re comfortable with. “When I was a kid, TV was a privilege, not a babysitter” - Yep, and it always snowed on Christmas Eve and everything was organic by default. Anne of Green Gables grew up and so shall you.
So....I'm going to write in English for a couple of posts. Dear Danish family and friend - Please don't judge me and be all "Oh, Excuuuuuuuse me, Brigitte Nielsen!". I'm starting to look into a couple of projects in New York, that I'd like to work on, and for that reason, it would be really nice to have a site to direct people to, to show them that I can have opinions in more than one language. I'll throw in some nice Danish sarcasm, so you'll know I'm still me.
I'm alive....but life's been a little crazy, most of it good-crazy, these past weeks. Fall is a very popular season for Danes to visit New York, and we have had so many wonderful family members and friends come to see us - meaning, our remoulade and lakrids stocks are booming! :-D
Also, Christian's been traveling, Hugo's been sick, I've been sick, and you know - life.
However, last week life took a really nasty turn. It was kind of windy in the morning, so I had to debate Hugo on the lack of a bike ride to school. I went home and went on with my day. I was running a little early for once when I went to pick up Hugo, so I decided to leave West St one block sooner than usual to get a cup of coffee on my way. The streets were filled with trick or treaters, kids were laughing, screaming and running everywhere.
Now, I've been really good at not posting annoying photos of my kid in his Halloween costume on Instagram, but here goes:
I picked up Hugo and as I was leaving, I saw Caitlin, who has the most adorable little girl, Juliette, in the toddler room. Hugo is absolutely smitten with this little girl and they love to play together at the playground (when they're not being toddlers and throw things at each other, that is). We decided to take the kids to a playground and were a little surprised to see the place completely empty, but figured that everybody was probably trick or treating. We'd been there for a couple of minutes when Caitlin's husband called her. He wanted to know where she was, and when she said that we were on the playground on Chambers st, he told her to get out of the playground and go home immediately. He'd just heard that there was a shooter on Chambers st. I must admit that she was being pretty cool about it, so I didn't want to freak out - we got up and left.
When I turned the corner, the scene was pretty awful. The street was filled with school kids, who were hugging and crying, police vehicles the size of houses were thrown on the sidewalk and officers in bulletproof vests were pulling heavy machine guns out of trunks. Everywhere I looked there was police, fire fighters, sirens, shouting and the ever-present sound of helicopters above us.
Now, I've taught Hugo that we always say "Hello Police!", when we see a police officer, and the little guy was suddenly a little stressed out about that notion, especially since my legs had turned into drum sticks and we were moving down the street at Road Runner speed.
I managed to get Christian on the phone to tell him that we were ok and that we were on our way home. As we were walking, I tried not to look at the police fences and where the crime scene appeared to be, as I'd just been there 10 minutes ago. We got home and in a moment's weakness I didn't even realize that our sweet doorman had sneaked two small bags of candy into Hugo's hands. Hugo was trying not to look at me, because he knew that the bags would probably be confiscated by the very local police if I saw them.
Most of that day was most likely stored as "best day EVER" in Hugo's mind - tons of police, lights, sirens, candy, Halloween decorations, homemade pizza, iPad galore while I was holding him so tight on my lap and about 5 mio kisses from his dad in the evening.
As soon as they cleared the police fences, Hugo and I were back on our usual morning route to school. In the intersection of West and Chambers, people had started to leave flowers, put up Stars and Stripes and leave small notes. A man stopped, bowed his head and did the sign of the cross. And then New York happened and I had to smile to myself - A guy stopped and wrote "You are love" with chalk on the pavement. Another guy stopped to look at it - took the chalk and corrected it into "You are love(d)". Returned the chalk to the first guy and walked away. If you wanna do it, do it right. God, I love this place!
That first day without the fences, the sidewalk as well as the bike path were filled with New Yorkers - not to look at the crime scene, because there was absolutely no sign of it, but to demonstrate (I would like to believe), that THIS is our city and only WE get to decide where and when we get to live. Oh.....do I get to call myself a New Yorker after 3 years? I guess not, but last week I definitely felt like one.
To leave things on a more positive note...here's a little story about my adventures with American cough syrup last night:
I'd like to thank that insane cough syrup that my doctor prescribed for me yesterday....and maybe adopt it.
After 8 days with a cough that has turned my stomach into a knot of sprained muscles , I finally went to the doctor. Dr Smerd looked extremely tired, and I don't blame her - I was probably the 67th patient that day who thought she was dying from a cough. After establishing that I would survive from this condition from hell, she ordered me to
a. Get a humidifier (a sign that we're clearly not Americans - we don't have any humidifiers)
b. Eat some weird reflux pills
c. Pick up a prescription for some cough syrup
Now, first two went down without any trouble. Last one made her turn her chair and look at me very seriously.
Dr Smerd: "So, this syrup contains kodein, which is a very powerful narcotics...."
(Me trying to not look too excited)
Dr Smerd: "It's very important that you don't drink alcohol when taking this"
Me: "......ehhhhh.......?"
Dr Smerd: (long clinical explanation about how syrup basically takes over my breathing apparatus)
Me: "So, you don't want me drunk and on drugs at the same time, if I forget to breathe?"
Dr Smerd: ".....ehhhhhhh.......pretty much......and please don't become addicted"
Me: "Got it"
Picked up the narcotics and had to go through an entire novel in the package of "DRINK 5ML OF THIS......NO, NOT 6ML......YOU WILL DIE, YOU HEAR ME?!". I left the red wine to Christian, borrowed Hugo's children's Tylenol measuring syringe to drink the syrup (sharing is caring) and went to bed. OH.MY.GOD! After 1 week's of constant cough during the night, I could finally sleep and only woke up twice to give a rather grumpy Hugo his blanket back (I have to have that talk with him soon). But it freaked me out a little bit that I bumped into the wall every time I got our of bed and that my throat felt like Jabba the Hut had fallen asleep in there when I woke up.
I approached the subject a little bit in my last entry, but I’d actually like to elaborate now - how are parents raising their children in New York and Copenhagen and how can we learn from each other?
It goes without saying (but I’m going to anyway) that I’ll make a lot of rough (and probably quite insulting generalisations, so I’d like to apologize upfront. Also, I’m basing my Danish observations from a time where I didn’t have a child myself, so all in all this should be good. Stick around.
Nevertheless, I do see some clear differences:
1. The baby year - sleep training
2. How to behave in public
3. Patient pedagogy
4. Physical disciplin
5. Ambitions
I guess we just got rid of all readers with zero interest in kids:-) 1. Sleep training
The first time I encountered a big difference between the way parents raise their kids in New York and Copenhagen was when Hugo was 4-6 moths old and most definitely not sleeping through the night. When I met with fellow moms in New York and they saw my tired eyes, they would ask me why we didn't sleep train our son. I asked them how they had sleep trained their children and their answers varied a lot. The most extreme version was to close the door to the baby’s room, put in ear plugs ( for the parents’, that is) and let the baby cry themselves to sleep in order for them to “learn how to sleep”. The less extreme version was to go back and forth to the baby’s room and let the little one know (after a couple of minutes of crying) that mom/dad was still here, but that it was time to nightynight. A friend of mine was getting desperate after going back to work and not getting any sleep, so one night she closed the door to the nursery, put in those ear plugs and went to bed. I asked her how her son was feeling the next morning, when she went to get him. She said that he was a little tired….and hoarse. My heart ached.
If you were to tell my online mom’s group in Copenhagen, that this was the way you got your baby to sleep, I’m pretty sure someone would call the authorities and ask them to make sure that you weren’t a complete lunatic. The book “Goodnight and sleep tight” is widely used (and criticized) in Denmark, but most Danish parents use the book’s recommendations for intervals and check on their children during the night to make sure that they’re ok.
No judgement.
When both parents have to return to work after 8-12 weeks, it’s important for them to get some sleep. So that would explain this approach which at worst would be described a child abuse, and at best cynicism, in Denmark. When I meet parents who use this extreme approach, I’m very honest about our sleep difficulties and why I haven’t closed that nursery door. To be honest, I think that this method has some pretty serious side effects that cannot be put into an excel sheet to be analyzed and explained.
On the other hand - Hugo is JUST starting to show signs of being willing to sleep through the night. Maybe the joke’s on me…
2. How to behave in public
Let’s move on to something more positive: The kids in New York are really really good at being
among other people in public! They learn at a very young age, that this city is absolutely packed with people and that they need to be alert, keep their eyes open and be considerate of other people. They zigzag their way through those busy people on Broadway with their legs kept flexible and their bag pack tucked in. If they accidentally bump into someone, they automatically say “´scuse me” and off they go.
Parents in New York bring their children to all sorts of restaurants and cafes (even the posh ones) and they (the kids, that is) sit nicely in their high chairs, eat their food, play with their toys, colour, play with their iPad or talk to their parents - without causing a scene. All kids have bad days and of course I’ve seen kids announcing their independence in very clear terms (sometimes using spaghetti to make an important point), but overall I’d say that kids in New York are a lot better at behaving themselves when they’re out and about in the streets, in restaurants and cafes.
I haven't had this confirmed by any Copenhagen restaurants yet, but I’m pretty sure that a lot of nice places make sure to not have high chairs available, because they’re sick and tired of seeing their dishes dissected on the floor. I absolutely understand this after experiencing a lot of misbehaving Copenhagen children when going out, but I also think that all kids can learn how to go out with their parents and have a great time, if their parents take the time to teach them how to do it and make some preparations.
So, how’s my son doing in this area? He is crazy good at walking on busy side walks, if I do say so myself. He keeps close to me, he makes sure not to get in the way of anyone (and if he gets preoccupied by a bird or you know….life, he promptly lets out an “´scuse me”, when I tell him to watch where he’s going. He’s pretty good in restaurants and cafes, mostly because he figured out that they serve good food and put straws in his milk.
3. Patient pedagogy
I'm not sure pedagogy is a widely used term to describe this, like it is in Denmark. What I mean is the ability to take a deep breath, sit down and make sure your child learns the right lesson from a situation.
I feel like parents in New York need more than 24 hours in a day to have time to breath, and that they experience an inhuman amount of pressure and stress during the day. They know that they live and work in a city filled with people eager to fill their jobs, better and more efficiently. And they’re not afraid to let their elbows do the talking.
New Yorkers are stressed out, no question about it. When mom comes home from the office around 6:30/7pm, after having worked for 10 hours, (during which her boss called her by the wrong name and her assistant leaked confidential information to promote herself), and little Danny wants to tell her all about the helicopter he saw today and not clean up his room before bedtime, but he can’t really find the words, because he’s also tired and he really just wants to say that he’s missed his mommy, then sometimes…things just collapse. I’ve seen it so many times, in the streets, at night in our hallway, in the supermarket etc - parents yelling at their kids, when it’s pretty clear that both parties involved might benefit from a deep breath, a hug and/or some downtime on a carpet, holding a toy car. They’re not bad parents and they’re not bad kids - they’re just so stressed out and I feel so bad for both of them.
Now, I’ve seen my fair share of Danish friends roll their eyes and take shortcuts, when it comes to pedagogy. Absolutely. No one’s Mary freakin’ Poppins after a long day at work, the car blew a flat tire, the office coffee was cold, and your offspring has gone on and on and on about some beetle in the street for 5 minutes. But in general, I think that parents in Copenhagen are pretty good at working less, taking deep breaths, sit their asses down and look their children in the eyes, when the situation call for it.
4. Physical disciplin
This is a tough one. The fact of the matter is that parents in New York are allowed to physically disciplin their children, if they find it necessary to do so. Yes, you’re allowed to spank your child in USA. Now, before you climb your high horse, please remember that Denmark demolished this right in 1997! It became illegal to hit your servant (1921), your employees (1937) and for teachers to hit their students (1967) before it became illegal to hit your children. This means that most of us in our 30’s and 40’s reading this grew up with parents who were entitled to spank us, if they felt like it. Spain made it illegal in 2007 and Ireland in 2015, so just like the restrictions for public smoking, this change of attitude happens really fast. Ask a person in their 40’s in the street in Copenhagen how they feel about spanking a child and watch their eyes pop. I’ve been reading some newspaper articles (remember those?)from 1997 and people were actually quite opposed to having this right taken away from them.
The Danish politician Pia Kjærsgaard opposed to it, because she believed that it was the responsibility of the parents to disciplin their children, not the executive state.
This is state law in USA, and most states have written their own version of the right to disciplin your children. In some states you can hit your child with a closed fist, in other states you’re only allowed to spank them on their hands. The majority of states have the following law: You can spank your child to discipline them, as long as you don’t leave visible marks or in other ways hurt them.
Ok, I’m not going to go into the discussion of whether a child suffers emotional damage, when his parents spank/hit him. Research proves beyond a shadow of doubt that he does. Full stop. But this is a part of a very very strong cultural legacy and a deeply sensitive issue. The fact of the matter is also, that the majority of Americans has no interest in making it illegal to physically disciplin your child. Many young American parents, who were spanked by their parents, will say that they were raised to tell the difference between right and wrong, that they didn't suffer any emotional damage and that their parents were very loving. And that they physically disciplin their own kids as well.
5. Ambitions
I mentioned this briefly in my last blog entry - parents in New York are very aware of their responsibility to raise good people, honor students and succesfull employees. They care deeply about their children's education, starting with day care, and even though you see a lot of children with iPads in the strollers, they’re watching educationl programs such as Sesame Street or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, where they learn about numbers, letters and how to be a good friend. Right now I’m watching a young mom kneel before her son at Gotan, asking him to count the money to pay for their food. The boy is 2-3 years old. I really like that! Kids LOVE to learn, so why not teach them things at a young age?
My husband’s colleague told us about the school interviews he and his wife were attending some months ago. Their son is 2. The children are observed by the school while playing, so they get an idea about their social skills, their vocabulary etc. The parents had a list of the best schools, that they were hoping to get into, based on the school’s academic level and the amount of students going to IVY League universities. This is not pacing, as I see it.They genuinely want to give their son the absolute best opportunities to be able to succeed in life and create a good and safe life in an extremely competitive city in a very large country.
So who’s right - New York or Copenhagen? In terms of “who's winning”, I’d have to say New York. The children in New York are well behaved, well educated and grow up with a suitcase of abilities to get great jobs in what’s perhaps the most competitive city in the world (not counting Tokyo). If you can make it here….and all that jazz.
But if I put on my purple and tolerant glasses, I’d have to say Copenhagen. Kids in Copenhagen grow up as the center of their parents’ attention. They know that their physical as well as emotional needs are met, they can pick and choose their education, based on passion instead of employment rate, and they know that if they can’t find a job as Veterinarian (specializing in polar bears from Greenland), then someone at City Hall or at their parents house will take care of them. Also, they grow up knowing that they live in the happiest country in the world, so let’s get to it! Be happy!
As mentioned before, I honestly think that these two cities can learn a lot from each other. We’d all be a lot better off if some of the Danish curling parents (the equivalent to American Helicopter parents), would teach their children, that the sun doesn't rise when they wake up, that it’s important to know how to behave yourself among all kinds of people and in all sorts of situations, and if you want a great job to be able to give your own kids great opportunities in life, then you have to work hard!
On the other hand, I’d truly truly wish, on behalf of kids in New York, that someone would reevaluate the Parenting School’s curriculum to include lessons in how to be Complete (tm). Kids need for their parents to look them in the eyes, they need to be heard, hugged and to be understodd when they world is moving really fast.
But the spanking needs to stop immediately.
A lot of day cares, kindergartens and schools in New York share the Danish philosophy about how to raise children, especially in the wealthy and creative areas of Manhattan. When we were trying to find the right day care center for our son, I asked his current center if they were physically discipline children. They looked absolutely horrified and told me that if I was looking for that kind of place, I’d better find somewhere else.
This kind of sociological development tends to start in areas where people are well educated and then spread to the rest of the country - like it did in Denmark. I’m hopefull.
So I ought to have the perfect child by now, right? And of course I do….sometimes.
Jeg berørte det lidt i sidste indlæg, men jeg ville egentlig gå lidt mere i dybden med det nu - hvordan er børneopdragelsen anderledes i New York end i København.
Det giver sig selv, at jeg nok kommer til at lave nogle rimelig heftige (og sikkert stærkt fornærmende) generaliseringer, når jeg skal lave sådan en sammenligning - så på forhånd undskyld. Derudover baserer jeg min opfattelse af den danske børneopdragelse på hvordan jeg oplevede den, da jeg boede i Danmark....og ikke havde barn. Så det skal nok gå godt.
Ikke desto mindre er der nogle ret typiske forskelle:
1. Baby året - søvntræning
2. At opføre sig pænt, når man er ude
3. Tålmodig pædagogik
4. Revselsretten
5. Ambitioner
Godt, så har jeg vist fået sorteret de fleste børnetrætte læsere fra:-)
1. Søvntræning
Mit første og meget konkrete møde med forskellen på New York og København kom, da Hugo var 4-6 måneder gammel....og var meget langt fra at sove igennem, for nu at sige det mildt. Når jeg luftede de mørke rander og usammenhængende tale for mine med-mødre i omgangskredsen kiggede de forfærdede på mig og spurgte, om vi dog ikke havde haft søvntræning? Når jeg spurgte lidt ind til konceptet, varierede svarene en del. Den mest rabiate version var at at lukke døren ind til baby, tage ørepropper i (de voksne ører altså) og lade ham/hende græde sig i søvn, så "de kunne lære at sove".
Den mildere version var at gå frem og tilbage til børneværelset og lade bebs forstå, at mor/far stadig var der, men nu var det altså godnat. Men jeg skal være helt ærlig og sige, at størstedelen faktisk benyttede sig af en variant af ørepropper og lukkede døre. Da en af mine bekendte en nat havde lukket døren for første gang og puttet ørepropper i hendes og mandens ører, spurgte jeg hende næste morgen, hvordan hendes søn havde haft det om morgen, da hun gik derind? Han havde været lidt træt....og hæs. Min hjerte kunne næsten ikke holde til det.
Hvis man luftede dén idé i min danske online mødregruppe, er jeg rimelig sikker på, at flere mødre ville overveje at kontakte myndighederne og lige lufte idéen om de evt skulle tjekke op på hende galningen. Bogen "Godnat og sov godt" er vidt brugt i Danmark, og denne metode er lig med den amerikanske "Cry it out"...men jeg vil vove den påstand, at danske forældre kører en ret bevidst og konkret strategi som gør, at de holder øje med deres børn og sikrer sig, at hvis deres børn har brug for dem, så kan de være der for dem.
Igen - jeg skal ikke dømme nogen. Og når begge forældre bliver nødt til at vende tilbage til arbejdsmarkedet efter 8-12 uger, så har de selvfølgelig brug for at kunne sove om natten. Så det forklarer nok en del af det, som vi i Danmark ville kalde kynisme i bedste fald og børnemishandling i absolut værste fald. Men jeg er helt ærlig overfor disse forældre og forklarer dem, at det kan jeg ikke få mig selv til overfor min søn, fordi jeg er rimelig sikker på, at det har nogle langtidsvirkninger, som ingen af os helt kan sætte ind i et excel ark og diskutere. På den anden side - Hugo er først begynde at vise tegn på at ville sove igennem nu.....i en alder af 2 år. Kunne jeg have sovet trygt og godt i 1,5 år?
2. Indpasning
Så til noget lidt mere positivt: New Yorker børn er helt vildt gode til at være blandt andre mennesker! De lærer allerede i en tidlig alder, at der altså er ret mange mennesker i den her by, så man bliver nødt til at have øjne i hovedet, nakken og helst også ude på ørerspidserne. De zigzagger med smidige ben og med rygsækken pakket godt ind til kroppen ned ad Broadway, og hvis de kommer til at støde ind i nogen, kommer der prompte et "´scuse me" og så ellers videre.
På caféer og restauranter sidder der på selv rigtig pæne steder mange børn i højstole, hvor de sidder og spiser deres mad, leger, tegner, iPad'er eller snakker med deres forældre - uden skrig og skrål. Ok - det giver sig selv, at alle børn har dårlige dage og deklarerer deres selvstændighed med rimelig store ord og/eller spaghetti. Men generelt er New Yorker børn meget meget bedre til at opføre sig pænt ude blandt andre mennesker på gaden, caféer og restauranter.
Min opfattelse af børn på caféer og restauranter i København er, at mange steder sørger for ikke at have højstole til rådighed, fordi de næsten ikke magter at have et 2-årigt monster til at skille deres mad i atomer. Jeg kan godt forstå det - men jeg tror helt ærligt, at alle børn kan lære det, det kræver bare, at de er vant til at blive taget med ud og forstår spillereglerne.
Hvordan min egen søn klarer sig? Han er vildt god til at gå på travle fortorv, hvis jeg må have lov til at prale. Han holder sig til os, kigger sig omkring og går sjældent i vejen for andre....uden i hvert fald at sige "'scuse me". Og han bliver bedre og bedre til caféer og restauranter - mest vist nok fordi han har fundet ud af, at der er god mad i det, hvis han opfører sig pænt.
3. Tålmodig pædagogik
Mnjah.....så er der den med den tålmodige pædagogik. Jeg har nogen gange på fornemmelse, at der ganske enkelt ikke er nok timer i døgnet for New Yorker forældrene og at de fleste virkelig føler sig umenneskeligt presset på deres jobs. Konkurrencen er ganske enkelt hårdere her, fordi der er flere, der kan lave dit job - også bedre og hurtigere, og de er ikke bange for at lade albuerne fortælle det. Så New Yorker forældre er stressede, ingen tvivl om det. Så når mor kommer hjem halv syv/syv efter 10 timer på kontoret, hvor chefen kaldte hende et forkert navn og hendes assistent havde udleveret fortrolige oplysinger til en konkurrerende kollega, og lille Danny hellere vil fortælle om den helikopter han så i dag, end rydde op på sit værelse inden sengetid, og måske ikke helt har ordforrådet til at sige til sin mor, at han bare har savnet hende, så kollapser situationen nogen gange. Jeg er selv sagt ikke inde i alle lejlighederne i byen om aften, men jeg har øjne og ører, så jeg hører desværre ret tit forældre skælde ud på deres børn på tidspunkter, hvor jeg tænker, at børnene vist havde mere brug for et kram eller 10 minutter på gulvet med deres forældre og en legetøjsbil. De er ikke dårlige forældre, og de er ikke uopdragne børn - de er bare stressede, og det er virkelig synd for begge parter.
Nuvel, jeg har også set danske veninder og bekendte rulle med øjnene og tage genveje i pædagogikken med jævne mellemrum. Ingen har særlig meget tålmodighed efter en arbejdsdag, hvor bilen punkterede og kaffen var kold, og ens afkom har fortalt om en bille på vejen i 5 minutter. Men jeg synes generelt, at der er lidt mere tid og mentalt råderum til at slå måsen i gulvet, tage en dyb indånding og kigge ens barn i øjnene i Danmark, når der er brug for det.
4. Revselsretten
Åh, den er så svær den her. Men faktum er, at det er tilladt for forældre i alle 50 stater at fysisk disciplinere deres barn, hvis de finder det nødvendigt. Ja, man må stadig gerne slå sit barn i USA. Og inden I begynder på de forargede smæk med tungen, så husk lige, at Danmark først afskaffede forældres revselsret overfor deres børn i 1997! Det blev forbudt at slå "tyende" (1921), lærlinge (1937) og for lærere at slå børn (1967), før det blev forbudt for forældre at slå deres børn.
Det vil sige, at langt de fleste af os voksne faktisk er vokset op med forældre, som havde lov til at slå os. Spanien afskaffede den først i 2007 og Irland i 2015. Så....hvis vi skal sammenligne den lidt med rygeforbuddet, så går det altså pænt stærkt med holdningsændringen, når først et land sætter ind og afskaffer retten til at slå sit barn. Jeg har siddet og læst lidt debatartikler fra 1997, da man afskaffede revselsretten og tro det eller lad være, men der var faktisk ret stor modstand mod det. Pia Kjærsgaard udtalte blandt andet, at hun var imod afskaffelsen, fordi det var forældrenes ansvar at opdrage deres børn, ikke statens.
Mange af de amerikanske stater har forskellige formuleringer til denne ret - i nogle stater er det tilladt at slå sit barn med en lukket knytnæve, hvor man i andre stater kun har lov til at slå dem over hænderne. I de fleste stater har man formuleringen, at forældrenes disciplinering ikke må efterlade tydelige afmærkninger eller på anden vis skade barnet.
Vi behøver slet ikke diskutere, om det psykologisk skader et barn at blive slået af sine forældre - al forskning fortæller, at det gør det. Punktum. Men det er en tung tung kulturel arv og et meget meget følsomt diskussionsemne.
Faktum er, at der er bred opbakning bag denne ret i USA. Mange unge amerikanske forældre er selv blevet fysisk disciplineret og vil sige, at de ikke tog skade, og at deres forældre opdrog dem kærligt og konsekvent, for at lære dem at skelne mellem rigtigt og forkert.
5. Ambitioner
Jeg nævnte det kort i det forrige indlæg - New Yorker forældre er meget bevidste om deres ansvar som forældre og tager det meget alvorligt, at deres børn skal vokse op og være gode mennesker, dygtige studerende og succesfulde medarbejdere. De går meget op i deres børns uddannelse, helt ned til vuggestuealderen, de lader gerne deres børn sidde med en iPad, men børnene ser såkaldte "educational programs", hvor Elmo fra Sesame Street eller Mickey Mouse fra Mickey Mouse Clubhouse leger bogstaver, tal og gode manerer ind i børnene. Lige nu sidder jeg f.eks og kigger på en mor, som gik på knæ foran sin søn i køen hos Gotan og lod ham tælle mønterne til betalingen. Drengen er cirka 2,5 år. Det kan jeg virkelig virkelig godt lide! Børn ELSKER at lære, så hvorfor skal vi være så bange for at lære dem ting i en tidlig alder?
En af min mands kollegaer fortalte om alle de interviews de går til for tiden på skolerne på Manhattan. Deres søn er 2 år. Børnene bliver observeret, mens de leger, så man kan få en idé om deres "social skills" og faglige niveau mht ordforråd etc. De havde klare favoritter på deres liste over skoler, fordi de havde det højeste faglige niveau og den største procentdel elever, som kom på IVY League skoler. Det er ikke pacing, som jeg opfatter det - de vil oprigtigt bare gerne give deres barn de absolut bedste vilkår og forudsætninger for at skabe sig et godt og trygt liv i en konkurrencepræget by i et meget stort land.
Hvem har fat i den lange ende - New York eller København? Hvis vi skal kigge helt objektivt på det, og diskutere "who's winning", så er det New York, efter min mening. New Yorker børnene er velopdragne, får gode uddannelser og vokser op til at kunne besidde stillinger i verdens måske mest konkurrencepræget by. If you can make it here.....and all that jazz.
Hvis vi kigger på det med mine lilla og rimelig bøjelige briller, så er det København. De københavnske børn vokser op med forældre, som har deres børn som centrum i deres liv. Børnene ved, at deres fysiske og psykologiske behov altid vil blive dækket, at de kan vælge og vrage på uddannelseshylden efter passion, fordi de nok skal blive samlet op af en eller anden statslig institution, hvis de fejler i at finde job som dyrlæge i Tappernøje med speciale i grønlandske isbjørne. Og så vokser de op og får at vide, at de tilhører verdens gladeste folkefærd, så kan de SÅ komme i gang med at være glade!
Som nævnt tidligere, så tror jeg helt ærligt, at de to byer kan lære rigtig meget af hinanden. Det ville oprigtigt talt klæde rigtig mange københavnske curlingforældre at lære deres børn, at solen ikke står op med dem, at det er vigtig at kunne opføre sig pænt blandt andre mennesker og at hvis man gerne vil have et godt job og give ens egne børn gode muligheder, så skal der arbejdes for det. På den anden side ville jeg sådan ønske for mange New Yorker børn, at Det Hele Menneske (TM) blev indført som en del af pensum i forældreskolen. Børn har brug for at blive kigget i øjnene, hørt og krammet, når alting går lidt hurtigt.
Der er mange vuggestuer, børnehaver og skoler, hvor der er fokus på den rummelige pædagogik i New York, især på Manhattan i de ressourcestærke områder. Da jeg spurgte vores vuggestue, om de afstraffede børnene fysisk, kiggede de meget forfærdet på mig og sagde, at hvis jeg ledte efter den slags vuggestue, måtte de nok råde mig til at finde et andet sted.
Den slags sociologisk udvikling har det med at starte i de højtuddannede områder og så sprede den sig - som det var tilfældet i Danmark.
Så jeg burde vel egentlig kunne præsentere det perfekte barn nu, ikk? Dét kan jeg selvfølgelig også.....nogen gange.
Du går ud til bilen en kold januar morgen og krydser fingre for, at listen holder, når du åbner døren. Gummiet knirker faretruende, og du skynder dig ind i bilen, mens du gnider dine kolde hænder. Du sætter nøglen i tændingen og sender en stille bøn af sted til De Gamle Bilers Barmhjertige Gud - “Kom nu…..bare én tur mere…….så skal jeg nok skifte din olie og huske at sætte dig i garagen imorgen…..please, kom nu……bare én tur mere…..”. Efter et par meget klare afvisninger fra motoren, overgiver din trofaste gamle ven sig, og starter op med et vrangvilligt grynt.
Det er min hjerne i dag.
Så….idé-udviklingen er sat lidt på pause i dag. Til gengæld gør jeg så det, som jeg gør, når jeg mangler overskud til at strukturere og videreudvikle: jeg filosoferer lidt over hverdagsting.
Jeg bliver tit spurgt om, hvordan livet som mor til en 2-årig i New York er anderledes end hvis vi boede hjemme. Mit sammenligningsgrundlag er selvfølgelig udelukkende veninders fortællinger, så tilgiv mig eventuelle generaliseringer og deciderede fejlantagelser.
Den nemmeste sammenligning er nok den kronologiske…
Vores morgen derhjemme ligner nok en dansk morgen med en 2-årig ret meget…intens glæde over, at mor sørme også her til morgen kommer ind og siger godmorgen, når man med sin spæde røst råber “MOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRR” gennem væggen. Herefter skift til “unscented and hypoallergenic” bleer (størstedelen af de solgte bleer i USA er tilsat parfume)og tøj. Morgenmaden består hovedsagligt af økologisk mad og mælk, købt online på New York’s svar på nemlig.com eller i Whole Foods, som er New Yorks svar på en kombination af Mad & Vin og Irma…på Tour de France-værdige steroider. Produktionen af økologiske madvarer i USA er stadig en del år efter Danmark - det koster en bondegård og i mange tilfælde er kvaliteten simpelthen decideret dårlig. Især udviklingen af personlig pleje produkter er ca 10-15 år efter Danmark. Det er umuligt at finde en solcreme til børn f.eks, som ikke efterlader både barn og mor som meget gnavne spøgelser.
Efter morgenmaden tilsnusker jeg mig et bad, med hjælp af Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Budskabet er pænt klart, når min søn kravler op i min seng og beder om “Goofy, Donald…..Ohhhhh Toooodles!”
Når vi begiver os ned til vuggestuen, foregår det på en rute, som nok ville give de fleste danske forældre stress, men vores søn er vant til ambulancernes udrykninger, isbilens musik, taxachaufførernes skænderier og bilernes konstante dytten. Han vinker til “pretzel guy” på hjørnet, siger “Beep Beep”, når bilerne dytter og griner, når ambulanceføreren tænder for lysene, selvom bilen holder parkeret.
Når vi efter 25 minutters gåtur langs vandet, eller 10 minutter på cykel, når vuggestuen, bliver tingene nok for alvor anderledes end i Danmark.
Vuggestuen hedder Bright Horizons og ligger i Tribeca. Det er ikke nogen hemmelighed, at Tribeca er et ret velhavende område, og derfor har vuggestuen et rimelig striks sikkerhedssystem. Der er flere skuespillere, modeller etc., som har deres børn opstaldet dernede, så der er et hav af papirer der skal underskrives hvert år vedrørende sikkerhed og privatliv. Man vil ikke risikere, at børnene bliver fotograferet eller at lærerne sælger oplysninger til sladderpressen. For at komme ind i selve bygningen, skal man låse sig ind gennem to døre med sikkerhedskode. Når man er kommet ind, skal man logge barnet ind via en personlig kode. Herefter bliver der sendt en e mail til begge forældre om, at barnet nu er ankommet til vuggestuen.
Jeg lader som regel Hugo gå noget af vejen selv, selvom det foregår nær ret travle veje. De andre forældre synes, at jeg er meget laissez-faire. Det er forresten en ret generel holdning til vores måde at være forældre på - at vi er meget…..skandinaviske. Det kommer jeg tilbage til :-)
I modsætning til danske vuggestuer, er der ikke et udendørs areal, hvor børnene kan lege. Huslejepriserne på Manhattan gør det ganske enkelt umuligt. Til gengæld går lærerne ture med børnene to gange om dagen.
Der er ikke fleksible aflevere- og hentetider i vuggestuen. Når du indregistrerer dit barn, vælger du et timeantal (0-6, 7-9 eller 9+ timer) og hvilke timer din barn skal være der. For hvert minut du afhenter dit barn for sent, bliver du opkrævet $1. Så man kommer til tiden!
Vuggestuen er delt op i:
Infant 0-1 år (børnene begynder typisk, når de er 10-12 uger gamle grundet den helt håbløse barselslovgivning i landet)
Toddler (1-2 år)
Young Preeschool (2-3 år)
Preschool (3-4 år)
Pre-kindergarten (4-5 år)
Kindergarten (5-6 år).
På den måde er børnene hele tiden omgivet af alderssvarende børn, og det kan vi godt lide. Ulempen er selvfølgelig, at de skifter rum og lærere hvert år - det kræver lidt tilvænning i et par uger hvert år.
Hugo afleveres med morgensnack, frokost og eftermiddagssnack, som jeg har lavet til ham. Herudover står forældrene også selv for at sørge for, at ens barn har bleer, vådservietter og evt creme liggende.
Og alt dette får man selvfølgelig betalt af staten med en mindre brugerbetaling, ikk? Nope! Hugos vuggestue (og han er kun på såkaldt deltid, 6 timer om dagen) koster $2500/måneden. Hvis han skulle være der 9+ timer om dagen, som langt de fleste børn er, skulle vi betale $3400. Dollaren står cirka i 6,5. Ja tak.
Alligevel synes vi begge to, at de penge uden sammenligning er de bedst brugte penge hver måned. Alle lærerne er uddannede lærere, der er ro på stuerne, ingen stress og der er ekstremt høj service overfor både børn og forældre. Hvis man har en bekymring omkring en lærer eller hvis nogen børn har brug for et specielt hensyn, bliver der lyttet og efterkommet. Børnene starter allerede som babyer med at blive vant til, at dagen er struktureret ved hjælp af et skema - de har musik timer, kunst, spansk, idræt, fysik og matematik. Det hele bliver selv sagt leget ind, men det er reelle timer, hvor der kommer en faglærer ind og underviser børnene. Tillad mig her at prale - Hugo er 2 år og kan på nuværende tidspunkt stave til sit eget navn, synge alfabetet, tælle til 20 på engelsk og til 10 på spansk. Jeg måtte youtube hvordan man tæller på spansk, for det vidste jeg sgu da ikke! Jeg havde bare lige pludselig en søn, der gik rundt og sagde “Siete, Ocho, Nueve, Diez”, og Pretty Fly sangen stopper altså efter une, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, seis, så jeg anede ikke, hvad han havde gang i!
Nu hvor Hugo er blevet 2 år har de også timer med deres lærer, hvor hun lærer dem at sige fra overfor mobning, hvordan man er en god ven og hvordan man hilser på andre børn og voksne.
I løbet af dagen opdaterer lærerne ens personlige tilgang på deres app, så jeg kan se, hvornår Hugo spiser, bliver skiftet og sover. Og så uploader de billeder fra dagens aktiviteter. Det kan en mor godt lide:-)
Når jeg henter Hugo, siger han pænt farvel til sine små venner og sin lærer ved navn (Miss Franny, Mr Levar etc.).
Det er meget udansk at begynde indlæring så tidligt, og jeg er meget taknemmelig for, at det ikke sker på en eller andet hysterisk forberedelse-til-college-måde. Til gengæld synes jeg, at det er en kæmpe gave, at vores dreng stort set altid opfører sig eksemplarisk på legepladsen overfor andre børn og voksne, at han pænt siger “No thank you”, når han ikke vil i bad :-) og at han allerede nu har en forståelse for tal og bogstaver. Det kan umuligt være en ulempe.
Alternativet til vuggestue er at ansætte en nanny. Hun eller han kommer til ens hjem om morgen og passer så dit barn indtil du kommer hjem. Mange nannies laver den mad, som dit barn spiser i løbet af dagen samt forberededer den mad, som forældre og barn spiser om aften, efter nanny’en er gået. I løbet af dagen er det så op til nanny’en hvad de laver i løbet af dagen. Mange forældre sørger for at tegne medlemsskaber af forskellige centre, hvor børnene kan komme i løbet af dagen til musiktimer, rytmik osv. Fordelen for den typiske New Yorker familie er en kombination af pris (det er som oftest billigere end en vuggestueplads) samt fleksibiliteten. Man behøver ikke nødvendigvis være nede i vuggestuen på et specielt tidspunkt og hvis barnet har skoldkopper, kan man stadig komme på arbejde, fordi nanny’en kommer hjem til en. Ja, vi kan diskutere, om det er helt rigtigt at få sit barn passet ved sygdom, men hvis alternativet er, at man bliver fyret, fordi ens arbejdsplads ikke giver fri ved barnets sygedage, så kan jeg egentlig godt forstå forældrene. Det er et hårdt land at have børn i for langt de fleste forældre.
Indskudt observation: nej, der er ikke lige kommet en kendt ind og bestilt kaffe. Til gengæld har en dansker lige sat sig overfor mig på Gotan og begyndt at rådgive sin ven over telefon omkring booking af Norwegian vs SAS fly til New York. Jeg forholder mig tavs, for jeg ELSKER at overhøre danskers samtale, når de tror, at ingen forstår dem. Sådan er jeg:-)
Mht at være en meget anderledes forælder i forhold til de andre forældre nede i vuggestuen, er her et par direkte sammenligninger:
Da vi indregistrerede Hugo, begrundede vi vores valg af day care med, at vi bla. gerne ville styrke Hugos immunforsvar ved at lade ham socialisere med andre babyer. De kiggede på os, som om vi var galninge, da de normalt tager imod mange mange opringninger fra irriterede forældre i starten, når deres barn konstant er syg de første måneder.
Jeg bliver dagligt spurgt om, hvordan pokker jeg får Hugo til at spise fisk, grøntsager, brød med kerner etc. fordi de andre børn nægter at spise mad uden sukker tilsat. Jeg sender i den forbindelse en tak til den gode danske mad-opdragelse og kostpyramiden.
Da Hugo var lille, blev jeg i hvert fald ringet op en gang om ugen med afrapporteringer om, at Hugo havde stødt sit hoved på en pude eller snublet over sine egne ben. Til sidst sagde jeg til dem, at medmindre Hugo blødte eller havde synlige tegn på faldet, ville jeg hellere havde, at de brugte tiden på at give ham et kram, istedet for at ringe til mig.
Da Hugo begyndte i vuggetuen, ankom vi med hans lille dyne og bamse, som han altid sover med. Lærerne kiggede undskyldende på mig og forklarede, at børnene intet måtte have med ned i deres senge, når de sov lur. Og ja - det er faktisk også en dansk anbefaling, at børn sover helt uden noget i sengene, pga kvælningsfare, men INGEN danske forældre kunne drømme om at efterleve det jo! Som en veninde forfærdet skrev til mig: “Jamen……hvordan skal han så kunne putte??!!” Vi er altså nogen dejlige hygge-dyr, os danskere:-) Jeg fik en læge til at skrive en recept på en dyne, men lige lidt hjalp det - Hugo fik kun dispensation til at sove med sin abe-bamse….og han overlevede.
Som med andre forskelle mellem Danmark og USA, kunne jeg ikke drømme om at udelukkende nedgøre USA og glorificere Danmark - vi gør alle det bedste vi kan (selv Trump er sikkert overbevist om, at han gør sit bedste) for at klare os bedst muligt og give vores børn den bedst mulige opdragelse. Vi kommer også alle med vores egen opdragelse i bagagen, en hel bunke kulturelle pakkenelliker og en toilettaske fyldt med gode intentioner.
Jeg har også lært meget af New Yorker forældrene:
Børn er ikke lavet af glas, og forældre har brug for at kunne leve deres liv også. Så dit barn bliver taget med til brunch med vennerne på travle caféer, tager subwayen i myldretiden og bliver passet af en barnepige i en weekendaften, så mor og far kan komme ud og pleje deres ægteskab. Og det klarer de fint - om noget udvikler de lidt hårdere hud. Jeg har endnu ikke hørt en Manhattan forælder bruger diagnosen “Særlig sensitiv”. Jeg siger ikke, at det er en fup diagnose - men man skal ikke bo her, hvis man har et barn, som har særlige behov - der er ganske enkelt ikke ressourcerne til at honorere det.
Det er rigtig rigtig ok at forlange ting af dit barns vuggestue/børnehave/skole. Også ting, som ikke er normen. Vi betaler rigtig mange penge for Hugos vuggestue, og det er også noget af grunden til, at de i høj grad tager vores forslag og krav til efterretning. Men jeg ville gøre det samme i Danmark nu, hvis vi flyttede hjem. Måske ville den danske institutionsleder ikke lytte og efterleve på samme måde, men hvorfor ikke prøve og blive ved med at prøve? Det er min erfaring (fra min omgangskreds), at man i meget høj grad gør tingene, “som vi altid har gjort” i de danske institutioner, men hvis ikke nogen stille krav eller kommer med forslag, så sker der jo aldrig noget.
Hav nogle ambitioner, når det kommer til de muligeder du gerne vil skabe for dit barn. En Manhattan mor græder også første gang hun afleverer sit barn i vuggestuen (sit 12 uger gamle barn vel at mærke), men hun ved, at det er nødvendigt, hvis hendes barn skal kunne spise ordentlig mad, have et sted at bo og have mulighed for at komme på et godt universitet. Så hun bruger ikke tid på at slå sig selv oven i hovedet - hun løber ned til vuggestuen om aften igen, krammer sit barn og fortsætter opdragelsen. Forældrene her har et mål for deres børn og det holder de altid for øje.
Igen - jeg siger ikke, at Manhattan Måden (tm) er den rigtige måde i sin rå form - men jeg lader mig i hvert fald inspirere til at holde mig for øje, hvilke muligheder jeg gerne vil have, at Hugo har, hvilken opførsel han skal have overfor andre og de krav det medfører til hans lærere...og hans forældre selvfølgelig. Og så prøver, prøver PRØVER jeg virkelig at gøre op med vat-mentaliteten og udfordre mit barn til være selvstændig og mentalt stærk. På nuværende tidspunkt taler vi om at kunne lege med LEGO i 10 minutter selv og kunne vente på, at det er hans tur til at fylde sin spand med vand på legepladsen. Så I behøver ikke ringe efter myndighederne endnu:-)
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